


Something Flirty, Something New, Something Dirty, Something True

by Antarctica_or_bust



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Stripper/Exotic Dancer, Bachelorette Party, Crack, Drinking, Drunkenness, F/M, Humor, Kíli in leather pants, Kíli knows he's hot, M/M, Strip Tease, Stripper!Kíli loves his job, Strippers & Strip Clubs, Super stealth matchmaking, Weddings, What Did I Do Last Night?, While WeddingPlanner!Bilbo can't stop blushing, lap dance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-18
Updated: 2013-10-18
Packaged: 2017-12-29 18:42:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1008746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Antarctica_or_bust/pseuds/Antarctica_or_bust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one where Kíli is a stripper and Bilbo is out of his depth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something Flirty, Something New, Something Dirty, Something True

**Author's Note:**

> I have no excuse for this. But leather is hot and I hope it lives up to your expectations Syxx since we've been talking about it for so long.

Bilbo did not plan to go out tonight. In fact, the man rarely went out at all and that was just how he liked it.  
  
So on this particular Friday evening, he was relaxing by the fire with a book and a hot cup of tea to celebrate the culmination of his work. For Bilbo had spent the last six months organizing his cousin's wedding and tomorrow the big day finally arrived. He had done everything at no cost to his family and after setting up the venue, arranging the catering, buying flowers, and even helping Primula pick out her dress, the wedding planner rather though that he deserved a break.  
  
Besides, Bilbo wanted to rest up in preparation since he knew that something was bound to go wrong during the event tomorrow. Something almost always did after all and his family was counting on his expertise to keep the wedding running smoothly no matter what.  
  
However, his plans for peace and quiet were rudely interrupted when Primula and a gaggle of her friends appeared on his doorstep. The ladies demanded that he come out with them and although Bilbo protested that a bachelorette party was no place for him to be, Drogo's fiancée had always been impossible to argue with. Indeed her sweet smile had often led him into trouble when they were children and tonight was no different in the end.  
  
Which is how Bilbo found himself wearing clothes he didn't know he owned as Primula escorted him into a taxi and then ushered him through a discreet entrance marked simply _Erebor._  
  
At first it was too dark for the man to see anything other than flashing lights and dimly moving shapes across a stage, but when his eyes finally adjusted, he found himself in dire need of a drink. Because there was just so much skin and leather, more than Bilbo had ever seen outside the movies, and Primula began to giggle madly at the stunned look upon his face.  
  
“Haven't you ever been to a strip club before? You **are** my gay cousin, aren't you? Nearly naked men should be right up your alley.” She said with a cheeky grin as the wedding planner chugged down his first beer and ordered another, trying and failing to keep his eyes above the server's waist.  
  
However, while his cousin's statement was technically true, Bilbo's particular brand of relationship had tended more toward coffee shops and awkward fumbles in the dark than clubs like this. So _Erebor_ was like some kind of sinful dream and the alcohol did little to defuse his embarrassment.  
  
Not that the others appeared to notice his blushing for they were focused on the dancers, drooling over the gleaming half-naked men who strutted across the stage.  
  
The girls were also doing shots as fast as they could slam them back and Bilbo comforted himself with the thought that someone had to watch over this lot. So _obviously_ the wedding planner only wanted to take care of his cousin's fiancée and he was very much not **not looking** at the blond stripper who winked as he swaggered by. He was totally not staring at the slide of muscles under the young man's skin and he was definitely **not jealous** when Maribelle stuffed a handful of bills down the back of those wickedly tight shorts.  
  
The combination of hot men and a tab for alcohol meant that his companions were well on their way to being hammered before too long and Bilbo was starting to wonder if the wedding was already doomed. Because the older man couldn't imagine how any of them were going to get up in the morning and he rather thought that it might be time to take them home.  
  
But just as the wedding planner opened his mouth to make this suggestion, the club went dark except for one dim spotlight pointed at the stage. That circle of light was inescapable, drawing Bilbo's gaze like a magnet as a disembodied voice began to speak.  
  
“Ladies and gentleman and those in-between, this is the moment that you have been waiting for. So let me introduce the sexy, the skillful, the one and only Prince of Erebor, here to strut his stuff before your lucky eyes. Now pull out your wallets, shove your tongues back in your mouths and give it up for the magnificent Kíli!”  
  
And then Bilbo couldn't look away; he couldn't even breathe while his eyes traveled across the lithe figure now standing on the stage.  
  
First the leather pants - _my god the leather!_ \- black and shiny and stretched tight over ridiculously long legs. So tight that they might as well be painted on, outlining firm muscles and highlighting the young man's groin in a way that made Bilbo blush furiously.  
  
 _Oh dear lord,_ he thought, tearing his gaze away with an effort only to be caught again everywhere he looked: the soaking white dress shirt clinging to well-built shoulders and giving a hint of the golden skin beneath; the thick mane of dark hair spilling out from underneath a pitch black cowboy hat and those graceful fingers which held it down over the dancer's face.  
  
Everything paused here for a moment as though the entire club held its breath in anticipation and then Kíli began to move. His hips swayed to the driving beat of the music as he strutted forward, sliding his hat up to reveal sharp cheekbones and plump lips.  
  
Someone let out a whistle when the young man began teasing at the buttons of his shirt, revealing hints of a firm chest and the taut hollow of his throat. Only when the mood of the club had nearly reached a fever pitch did the stripper give them what they wanted, ripping his shirt open violently. Buttons flew off into the audience, its more drunken members fighting over them like rabid dogs, but Bilbo didn't pay that madness any mind.  
  
For he was entranced by the sight of rippling abs and the trail of dark hair leading down a firm stomach until it disappeared beneath those tight leather pants. Kíli's skin was damp and gleaming everywhere as he slid the shirt off his shoulders, spinning in place with a wicked grin that made the crowd shriek. His ass was just as fine as the rest of him, pert and round like the wedding planner favored, and Bilbo moaned low in his throat when the stripper thrust his way.  
  
The young man was playful in his motions, winking and teasing even as he ran strong hands over his skin, and his obvious delight only made him sexier. Indeed the audience screamed louder with every flirtatious glance and Bilbo was afraid a riot might break out when Kíli finally tossed his shirt away.  
  
 _Gorgeous,_ was his only thought as he gaped at the dancer undulating on the stage, his fingers itching to touch even while his face burned hotter.  
  
Then Kíli looked up through his lashes and warm brown eyes caught the other man's astonished gaze. There was such heat in that glance and Bilbo felt a shiver of helpless lust shoot through him, desire like he had never felt before. Only when the stripper looked away was he able to move again, the wedding planner shifting restlessly in his chair as his cock strained against the fabric of his pants. Indeed Bilbo was positively aching and he didn't know whether he wanted to flee the scene or burn it into his memory.  
  
So he stayed frozen as the music increased in speed, Kíli following the wild beat faster and faster across the stage. Thrusting and gyrating, the young man's every move was sex on legs and his skin gleamed most distractingly beneath the hot lights. Then just when Bilbo was starting to worry that he would come right there, the stripper gave one last full body shudder and dropped to his knees.  
  
“That's all for now folks,” The announcer declared to shrieks of disappointment as the music stopped and the lights came up again. “So give Kíli a hand and if you want to see the pants come off, stick around for his next show.”  
  
This last statement short-circuited Bilbo's brain with far too many fantasies and he only came back to himself when someone poked him in the side.  
  
“You're drooling, cousin.” The older man turned to see Primula grinning at him drunkenly and he winced beneath her knowing gaze. “I told you this would be a night to remember but I think we can make it even better yet. A reward for all the hard work you've done.”  
  
There was a gleam in his cousin's eye, one which meant she was about to do something that Bilbo would regret and he called for another drink in desperation. Liquid courage was his only hope now so the wedding planner threw caution to the wind and knocked the shot back quickly, trying to ignore the throbbing of his cock as Primula waved a handful of bills toward the stage.  
  
“Not for me, for him,” Bilbo heard her saying while he gulped down another shot and then he nearly choked on it when a husky voice muttered in his ear.  
  
“Oh you are a cute one, aren't you?” The stranger whispered, arms wrapping around him from behind and gently removing the glass from his hand. “It must be my lucky night.”  
  
Suddenly Bilbo's chair was dragged away from the table and whirled around, his head spinning from the motion and _not_ the leather-clad leg sliding across his lap. That's his story and he was sticking to it as Kíli settled over the wedding planner in all his half-naked glory.  
  
The dancer was close enough to kiss, but touching would surely be impolite so Bilbo held himself motionless no matter how much he wanted to slide his hands down the back of the other's pants. They were riding obscenely low over the curve of the young man's ass and the flash of red silk visible when Kíli began to sway was the hottest thing that Bilbo had ever seen.  
  
At least it was until the stripper rolled his hips forward, his muscles rippling in an achingly slow wave and the wedding planner had to close his eyes to keep from losing it immediately. _I'm going to die,_ he thought, throwing his head to gasp harshly when Kíli ground down into his cock. The man's breath was hot against Bilbo's neck and the flex of strong thighs around his legs sent another pulse of lust through his veins.  
  
“Look at me,” Kíli whispered into his ear and he was helpless to disobey, opening his eyes to meet that heated gaze. Once the stripper saw that the older man was watching, he drew back slightly and began to dance in earnest, hips thrusting and ass grinding down into the other's lap.  
  
One hand toyed with the top button of his pants as he shimmied, flicking it open to reveal another hint of scarlet before reaching up to tangle in his hair. Kíli's left arm rested on the wedding planner's shoulder for balance since his feet hardly seemed to touch the floor and Bilbo's self-control was fading fast. Soon there was nothing but the sensation of the young man moving on his lap, his world narrowing to the sight of those sight dark eyes.  
  
The stripper's gaze seemed to pierce through him, pinning him in place and revealing his deepest desires and he moaned desperately when Kíli stroked slim fingers down his chest. He was panting now, cock throbbing uncomfortably in his slacks with every obscene roll of the young man hips and he was too far gone to care about their audience.  
  
So when Kíli leaned in close, grinding down one last time and ordering, “Come for me,” Bilbo did just that.  
  
He spilled in his pants like a teenager before slumping back in his chair and the dancer barely gave him a chance to recover before sliding off his lap with a shimmy that made the wedding planner whimper helplessly.  
  
“I'll see you around, love,” Kíli promised, blowing him a kiss and then sauntering off toward the stage. Bilbo watched him go in a blissed out daze, his cock giving one last valiant twitch at the sight of the young man's glorious ass.  
  
However, now that the lap dance was over, he was very much aware of everyone looking at him jealously and his face flamed as he realized that they must have seen it all. His one saving grace was that most of Primula's friends were paying more attention to the dancers than to him, but there was no way he was prepared to face his cousin's smugness without a lot more alcohol.  
  
And the last thing Bilbo remembered about that night was calling for another round of shots.  
  
\---  
  
The wedding planner woke face down on his bed the next morning, his head pounding and his mouth filled with dust. So he rolled over onto his back with a groan, raising one hand to rub his eyes and discovered to his horror that he was still wearing the same filthy clothes from the night before.  
  
 _Fuck, this is disgusting,_ Bilbo thought, wondering what the hell he had done as he flailed toward the clock. However, the moment that he saw the time, all speculation about his possible drunken escapades flew out of his mind.  
  
The wedding planner had to be at the church in an hour and so he threw himself off the bed, staggering into the shower while he peeled off his crusty pants. There was no time for breakfast, no time for anything really and Bilbo only remembered to grab his sunglasses when the light shot spikes into his brain.  
  
But he made it somehow, skidding to a stop in front of the church just as the wedding party was called inside and his cousin sent him a knowing smile when he slipped in at the back of the group. Primula looked entirely too chipper for someone who had been matching him drink for drink but perhaps it was just happiness giving her that glowing shine. Certainly several of the bridesmaids looked just as hungover as Bilbo felt, no amount of make up hiding their bloodshot eyes.  
  
So he was overjoyed when the music started and he could finally sit down, leaning back against his chair with a sigh. However, even his killer headache couldn't detract from the beauty of the ceremony and the wedding planner cheered with the rest when Primula kissed Drogo and was declared Mrs. Baggins for the rest of her days.  
  
Then the wedding party was off to the reception hall for photos, cake, and congratulations and Bilbo hugged his cousins tightly when he went through the receiving line. The pair had always been adorable together and he found himself flushing beneath their beaming smiles when the newlyweds complimented him on everything that he'd set up.  
  
Though of course, only moments after Primula sent him off to join the party, Hamfast pulled the wedding planner aside and informed him that their photographer had taken ill.  
  
His friend was close to panicking but shit like this was always happening during special occasions so Bilbo just told the gardener to stall until he could call in a few favors that he was owed. But just when the older man was pulling out his phone to save the day, a hand tapped him lightly on the shoulder.  
  
“If you need a photographer, I'd be happy to oblige.”  
  
Bilbo knew that voice and a shudder went through him as he turned to meet warm brown eyes again. Although Kíli was dressed far more conservatively now, he was still the sexiest thing that Bilbo had ever seen and he wanted nothing more than to peel off the other man's tuxedo to taste the skin beneath.  
  
“Um, wh- what?... What are you doing here?” He stammered out and when Kíli grinned at him, there was something positively pornographic in the way that his lips curled.  
  
“Prim and I went to school together so she invited me months ago in exchange for the chance to have her party at my family's place. But don't worry Mr. Gamgee, I promise I am a photographer and I can take it from here.” The young man said, stroking one hand possessively down Bilbo's back.  
  
Hamfast nodded and ran off to check on the caterers, which was really Bilbo's job but he couldn't seem to move while Kíli's hand was pressed warm against his skin.  
  
“So, uh, what's your last name anyway?” He babbled, trying to distract himself from how good the other smelled. “Or your first name. Unless it's really Kíli? I mean, that's what the announcer called you but we didn't exactly introduce ourselves last night. Did we? My memory's a little hazy on what happened after you... danced.”  
  
“No we didn't. But don't worry, I like my men a little shy and I think you're adorable.” The young man replied with a wicked smirk. “I don't dance like that for just anyone you know.”  
  
“Really?” Bilbo asked, a pleased flush blooming on his cheeks.  
  
Though he had to bite off a whimper when Kíli leaned in again, a lock of hair brushing against the wedding planner's cheek as the other purred, “Oh yes, and maybe when we're done here, I could give you another show. Assuming that you've recovered from last night's adventure by the time I finish snapping wedding shots.”  
  
Warm lips pressed again Bilbo's firmly, soft but demanding nonetheless and he sank into the kiss with a heated moan. Kíli cradled his face gently while he plundered the other's mouth before pulling away with a smack that was positively obscene. Then the young man walked away, throwing one last wink over his shoulder, and the wedding planner was very much **not drooling** over his ass in those pants. It was only when Kíli disappeared around the corner that Bilbo realized he had never gotten a proper name at all.  
  
 _I am totally fucked,_ he thought to himself, sinking breathlessly down the wall as his knees finally gave out. But despite the headache which still plagued him and the problem in his trousers, he was pretty sure this day was looking up.  
  
  
Finis

 


End file.
